i've discovered that in the future, wherever i'll be living, i will always be me.
i've realized there's two sides to me associated with whether i want to hang around and socialize with people or whether i want to stay in my room and just be by myself: which i prefer. i'm not sure whether i socialize or decide to be alone are two different feelings in my brain, or whether i prefer to be alone but want to see every now and then what the fuss with having friends and socializing is. i'm thinking the latter.
there really isn't much more to this matter in terms of things to dwell about, onlt that i thought it was important to note this because i've felt like this for years.
i think i've more or less come back to where i was one and a half years ago. which is actually good, since i've experienced more in that time as i did in the whole five years before that. it somehow reassures me that the person i was, was in fact a good person, or a great person to be honest. and now that i'm starting to see myself as that person, i feel reassured that whatever i come across in the coming years, i'll be fine. that voice in the back of your head which tells you, in whatever situation you're in, that your doing great and you're right, and you always will be.
i'm not sure if i like university. well it's the whole claustrophobia experienced living on campus and the remoteness of my university. your forced to mingle because there's nothing else. well back to my point, i'm not sure if i like it, i've stopped thinking. i feel like just another person. someone who blends in. someone who 'fits in'. all this has stopped me from thinking. i don't think about anything. i don't question anything and nor do i go out of my way to learn new things. my yearning for knowledge is far less than it used to be. this is all because i'm mingling. well it's not so much the mingling, but the people i'm mingling with. they're brain drain. that's not so much the problem, there aren't people there who aren't brain drains. hanging out with them doesn't make me a better person, doesn't make me want to try new things in life, doesn't make me question life, IT DOESN'T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING! that's why they're brain drains. there's no agenda all. watching fox news is probably less of a brain drain than hanging out with these people because atleast something is being said which provokes some kind of thought.
the worst thing is, i've only just realized this right now as a major problem in my life. as i start university next week, i need to put aside a large amount of 'me time' in which i'll pursue things i want, which usually consists of things which make me question everything.
i know this sounds very conceited, but i didn't want this to sound tame. i wanted it as a warning to my self than being alone is better than being with other people. it always is, even when i think it's not, because as time passes you realize no one is perfect for each other and that will always be a problem...well....for me.
i feel so empty. it's almost as if someones sucked all the passion out of me. i want it back.
writing this makes me realize how cliched a lot of blog posts are. not just mine, but the blogging communities.
well. i haven't been on here in such a long time, and every time i make a promise to return and make a greater use of it, it just never happens. i just hope i do use it.
anyway, i finished my first year at university a couple of weeks ago, and i passed. not much to be said there. i go back at the beginning of october and it just seems absolute years away, especially since i really want go back.
i really need to find a job, because i need the money so i can buy all the material things i despise, like a 32" hd tv for my university room with a hd media player.
i also really want a bunuel box set which i hope of purchasing just before i go back.
currently, i'm ploughing through the wire, i'm on the final season 5, and it'll probably get watched within the next couple of days. seriously, if you've never seen the wire, then do!
good is subjective.
good is objective.
both are different types of good.
objective good is anything that ensures the survival of humanity. such as helping an old lady cross the road.
subjective good is anything that you prefer. it's hedonism. things of pleasure. what is it that makes them 'good'? i don't know. maybe the fact that happiness is the preference over sadness in us, and so you're more likely to find a partner when you're happy and have sex and make lots of babies, and so that's good for humanity? i'm not sure.
the question arises, what's the point of emotions?
things.
things.
things.
i don't want things. i've decided. i want nothing in terms of products. though i still purchase this shit even though i shouldn't.
things shouldn't define who i am. and in turn, lack of things shouldn't define who i am. basically, it shouldn't be about 'things'.
'clothes' come into mind. clothes are the things which defines people, even though they shouldn't. clothes are the things we indulge in most often and where the large part of ones cash is spent on. we shouldn't need to buy new clothes every so often if the clothes you already own are is good condition. let me say this another way. there is no one in the first world who actually wears clothes until they're worn out, so people shouldn't need to keep buying them.
especially me. i'm a sucker for blending in. i'm a master at blending in, even though i clearly don't. the clothes i wear are the only things which stops people from thinking i'm 'bad weird'. right now, people think i'm 'good weird'. i think if i stop wearing the shit i do and stop purchasing, i'd be an outcast.
writing this makes me realize how much i hate the fashion industry and all the major clothing brands.
this is a pretty-rubbish-all-over-the-place post. sorry for this. something like this had to be written, largely for myself.
i started smoking when i started this university. i like smoking. and screw the people who frown at me. it gives me something to do when i'm bored. it's an excuse to stand outside my building so i can go into the open, if i wasn't smoking i'd look like a dork just standing around.
i've also been getting extremely wasted on alcohol and weed. weed is fun, i like it aaaaaaa lot. i'm trying to get through 'fear and loathing in las vegas' whilst stoned.
my brains cluttered. very cluttered. it needs to be emptied out.
music i've been listening to: the velvet underground (as always), janis joplin, sonic youth, jefferson airplane, fleetwood mac, grateful dead, joni mitchell
films i've seen over the past couple of days: the rules of attraction, thirteen, almost famous, wristcutters: a love story
what do i want accomplished over the next couple of days?
empty my brain of all the rubbish that's floating around, start working for my end of year exams, start reading something as to exercise my brain cells.
me and my ex and sort of now on speaking terms. we don't talk a lot, and we don't hang around with each other anymore like we used to, but that's obvious we're not together anymore. but that's not what i mean, i mean that we both know that we're the closest thing to each other we've got, and we get along nicely, only that we're both hanging around with different people when we should be hanging around each other. strange, but true. i know she feels the same way because i can see she's not A ok hanging around with the people she's with and i can see the slight uncomfortableness in the way she carries herself.
in terms of other things, i'm currently on my easter break, but i still haven't gone home because here is better than there, and you probably know that. i'm here till wednesday, and i do not look forward to going back home.
music i've been listening to is fleet foxes, belle and sebastian, the velvet underground (as always), and sonic youth.
films i've seen- i saw high fidelity yesterday which was unusually refreshing and somehow a feel good movie in that i strangley envied john cusack's character. other things i've seen- waltz with bashir (tremendous film), into the wild, and a few other which i can't recall at this particular point in time. though i went and re-watched little miss sunchine and fight club just because they're such good films. the films i've seen recently have somehow been watched for the purpose of self-improvement, looking for meaning in my life where everything around me is bizarrely absurd.
on other notes, i read ham on rye and i liked it a lot. a book (or a film) for once which doesn't have to end with an ending but rather a snippet of someone's life. may be it was like that because the main character's life after the book was pretty much the same?
on other notes, life is good, and i'm still not over her. i like it on my own because somewhere inside me i believe i have the capacity to drive people to insanity and i find it hard to do the approprate things at the approprate times. well, let me digress unintentionally and explain what i'm saying. when people say things, or tell you things, you're supposed to respond sensibly, like if someone tells you they're worried or they're upset, you comfort them by saying everything will be ok. but me, i feel doing this has the ability to turn fully pledged humans with the capacity to underdsand everything, into robots who fuck the formalities of life, and then the conversation proceeds into every other same dumb ass conversation where you forced into explaining why everything will be ok. why can't people be told the truth, things will be shit, things continue to be shit, but you have carry on living and forget about everything because life is a slow walk into a 6 foot hole where your brain and all the other tissues on your body is eaten out by microscopic bacteria and then crapped out as cabon dioxide. so these are things i can't take, i can't hold an appropriate conversation on the generalities of life before my brain turns into mush and slurps out of my ear. i can't do this, normal people are hard i've come to realize. normal people want other normal people who don't think hard enough to realize how fucked up things are. and when normal people are with fucked up people, once the honeymoon periods over, they truly realize the extent of your fucked-upness and break up with you.
so on to the subject of my ex again, it is why we broke up, i lost the capacity to garner a perspective on life and i became weirdly attached to her. anything so i could feel something. and every so often, i'd realize the last thing i needed were people in the same bed. i'd gone through 6 years of creating a vision and understanding how shit humanity was and how much i hated people (most people), and why i refused to hang around with people (other than a couple of close friends who hide these similar secrets in a compartment behind their heart), and i'd ended up with the last thing i wanted or needed, someone i was attached to. and now how do i feel? i feel the same, other than the fact that she was probably my saviour from brain suicide, the loathing of everything around me. the person who understood where i came from but chose to ignore it for reasons unknown. the person who ignored it and didn't want to be reminded about it. the person who's looking for a nice cottage and not a construction site.
can't believe this turned into a diatribe.
